Dear Rozelle,

here’s a daily mindset for you…
love your body, your height;
your cellulite,
your huge calves & thighs,
love your thick, uneven eyebrows,
your stretch marks,
love your big arms (kinda),
your not so flat stomach.

love your ability to make decisions using your head rather than the heart,
your bluntness and straight to the point comments,
love your (almost) non-existent sense of humor.

love your hard-headedness,
love your analytical mind,
your ability to care, even if you care too much, sometimes
the way you care enough to let things get to you, even the little things
your literal, explicit, and logical way of thinking.

love your dysfunctional and bruised heart,
love your obnoxiously loud laugh,
your awkwardness & your (somewhat) shy personality,
love your indecisiveness.

ETC. love you. love your flaws.

FLAWS are admirable.. YOUR flaws are admirable.

it’s what makes you YOU.

be okay

i’ve been trying to study for the past hour or so & i still have not done anything. all i can think about are really stupid things so i decided i’m gonna blog instead. maybe after typing it out i can study. i’ve realized that it’s hard for me to let things go. I used to think that i was the kind of person that didn’t really care about anything but lately i’ve come to the conclusion that i only made myself think that i was that kind of person. in reality, i care too much. i can’t let things go unless it was settled. & it’s been a month since it happened and somehow i still can’t let it go. it’s not even because it’s him, it’s because the situation was never acknowledged and that makes me mad. it makes me feel really uneasy. it’s really awesome knowing that you don’t care or bother enough to even to just say something. i can’t think. i need to study. this post is stupid. bye

I'm attracted to guys that look like assholes

Those guys that have that douchebag swag.. Haha I don’t know why . I just hope they don’t act that way except most of the time they turn out to be .

routine

recently, i realized how tired i am of my life right now. it’s a good life but i feel like it’s the same thing over and over again. i’m stuck doing this boring routine everyday. everyday i wake up, get ready, go to classes, eat, chill/study, work out, eat, study/chill, sleep. EVERYDAY, the same thing.. i even eat at the same time and work out at the same time for the most part. I feel like there’s no excitement. being stuck in this campus makes me feel excluded from the outside world. i know i can leave off campus but i feel like this is a small town and there’s nothing really more to do but i just feel trapped, almost. I need something new in my life, something or someone new and exciting. this feeling’s taking over and the only way i know to cope with it is to work out, people think i’m borderline addicted. blah blah blah. i know i say i hate change, and i do hate change but i think i wouldn’t mind if i break out of this routine and try something new.

but let me just say

it's really an awesome feeling telling someone how you feel and they don't even bother to respond. wow, now i know.

whoa,

looking back on some of these old posts make me feel kinda stupid and really angry. i had a right to be angry but some of these posts are almost really not necessary. i'm glad i blog instead of say things out loud that could really hurt other people.

don't get bitter, get better.

always fall for your type, the asshole type.

swelling rage

maybe next time you should make sure i don’t find out or maybe next time don’t lie about sending me a text. i’m not even mad that you’re with someone else now, i’m mad that you didn’t even have the decency to let me know. it’s the least you could do. but hey maybe it’s not your fault. maybe i’m actually just really attracted to assholes. so tired of guys leading girls on and then easily moving onto someone else. oh but wait, is it because i don’t put out enough ? i’m sorry i’m not a whorebag .

no, sex is not what i want, we don't have to do that

BULLSHIT

because when you found someone who would put out, that’s exactly what you did. thanks for wasting my time & proving to me once again that all guys are assholes & you’re not any different. stick to one girl, my ass

transferring some personal posts from tumblr to here

in repair

a lot of the time, i put up a tough front. i don’t want people to see my weakness. i act like i don’t care. i act like things don’t bother me. but in reality, i care TOO much. i let things get to me. i don’t forget things. i can’t let things go until it’s settled or confronted, talked about. i can’t just let things go, except it’s hard for me to confront people. so instead i don’t do anything, act like i don’t care. even when it’s eating me up inside because i care THAT much. it’s my weakness. i’m afraid of what people will say or how people will react so i don’t let people know what i think or how i feel. it’s my fault. i feel this way because i put myself in this situation, it’s my stubborn way that i won’t ever change.

sunday night

i realized i don't know what i want. I have this generic ideas for my future that everyone wants. but how am i gonna get what i want if i don't even really know what i want. my mind is full of random thoughts tonight. full of things like how i think i care too much but i don't care enough to show it. I constantly act like i don't care when in reality i really do care. i think it's something we all want. it's human nature to want to be loved or wanted by someone. but there are always those assholes that make you feel special and suddenly decide with no explanations that they don't wanna talk to you anymore. but it's funny because it's the assholes like that that we usually fall for, assholes are just kind of my thing i guess haha. we find one good guy and it's hard for us to like them like that but with the guys you should stay away from, we fall the hardest for. this is a post full of nonsense just some thoughts. really random thoughts. sucks to be sick

‎"If saying whatever's on your mind means losing the person, so be it. I'd rather lose them than myself."

the sweetest thing

"Hi this is going to be random. But sometimes when I'm sad & down especially when I think about the fact that there's no more excitement from being head over heels for someone, I think about u. & how you managed all 4 years throughout high school w/o attachment, w/o the bullshit from males & what not. And that I see that it is possible to overcome this. At first, I think I can't do this. But than I think about how happy and how strong you are, and you give me my motivation to pull-through."


message from one of my girls.

even the best fall down sometimes

i hate that sometimes i can't help but feel insecure. i know we all have our insecurities and i’m not the only one but i feel like sometimes i let it eat me alive. i’m constantly worrying and cautious of everything i do. i know i don’t show it and i like to let people think that i’m good and nothing’s wrong; smile. but inside, it’s eating me and ruling my thoughts. i don’t wanna be that whiny girl but sometimes i just need someone to talk to. i like to hide behind the smiles. it’s what i do best. truth is, yes, sometimes i feel great and yes, sometimes i just feel like shit. i constantly worry about not being good enough. sometimes i compare myself to other people and think i have nothing to offer. i get into that vulnerable state of mind and it's not good. i just feel like shit. i make myself feel like shit.

long overdue

oh how i've missed blogging.

looking back on my old posts, seems i only really blogged during my all time lows :(

well tonight's kinda just like any other night. nothing special, nothing spectacular. almost two months in to the school year, i still haven't gone home. i miss home and i can't wait to go back next week ! it'll be a nice three day weekend. can't wait to see the fam, bestfraands, & eat good home cooked food, yummm.

homesick

feel so pathetic right now. i don't even know but i'm sitting here in my room, fckin crying. are you kidding me !? it might be this weather but i just feel like shit. I need to write this essay but i can't even focus! skyped my bestfriend but not for very long because i didn't wanna start crying in front of her and called my sister but she could hear right through it. I miss home and i can't focus. WTF

Be OK

wow, well judging from my last post, I must have been really sad. well, I probably was. But now I think I'm feeling a lot better. It didn't take much time LOL. I'm finally getting used to this college life. It's hard being away from my family (even though it is only like an hour and a half away). My first weekend away wasn't too bad. My brother did come up and surprised me :D. Partied it up B-HAM style. Hopefully, I'll grow to love it even more as time goes on. For now, my goal is to just have and not give a flying fck. Reading that last post was kinda depressing haha. Why do I need someone else? LAAAWLZ , don't like to get tied down anyway.

empty bottle

Lately, I've been feeling sad. I don't know why. I just feel empty like something's missing in my life. Maybe it's just a phase from moving out and being somewhat far from home. But I think it's also wanting someone to be with. I've never really felt this way but for some reason, right now, I just kinda want to go on dates. I want someone to care about me and someone that I'll care about too. It doesn't need to be a super intense relationship.. it doesn't even have to be labeled as a relationship, as long as we both know not to date others. Truth is, I don't actually know what I want.. I'm just rambling on/venting whatever. I may be a little mentally unstable, probably not. But anyway truth is i don't think I like labeling things and having that 'commitment' feeling. I know that once I start talking to someone I won't talk to others.. this post is all over the place.. gonna stop now. this is a horrible post. maybe i'll fix  it later once i've gathered my thoughts. 

All love

"Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers all wrongs." Proverbs 10:12

bro

After years and years of fighting, my brother and I finally have a good relationship. I know it was normal that we always fought when we were younger because that's what siblings do but I hated it. I'm really glad now that we get along and we show that we care about each other more. A part of the reason why I didn't wanna leave was because I'm afraid that things will change and that when I come back things will different again. Who's to say that it won't change but I know that he's my brother and he's always gonna be my brother. We may not show it all the time but I know that we both care about each other.

change

                                                                          college life.

deadbeat

i don’t need a father in my life when i’ve got brothers that care. no matter how much we fight i know i can always count on them. the only men that ever stuck with me.

so fck you dad b/c you missed out on great kids ! & your occasional “how’re you doing?” on facebook chat doesn’t count as trying. don’t mean shit.

bittersweet

reading through my yearbook
& this is probably one of the nicest things anyone’s ever said about me ..

“First of all, I want you to know that you’re an inspiration. As you know, I love how head-strong you are. You tolerate no bullshit whatsoever. And you’re honestly one of the few who knows what they’re doing. Above all, you really know how to partaay! With all of that said.. and your banging body & sparkling eyes, I really don’t understand how you’re still single OH YEA cos you’re too good for these little high school boyz. You’re only worthy of a MAN. I’m not exaggerating at all. This is it. I cannot stress that enough. I’m so sad right now as I write this. Don’t change, Rozelle ever. I’m going to miss you. Thank you for all the memories. Tennis won’t be the same. Have fun in college! You’ve come so far.”