no, sex is not what i want, we don't have to do that

BULLSHIT

because when you found someone who would put out, that’s exactly what you did. thanks for wasting my time & proving to me once again that all guys are assholes & you’re not any different. stick to one girl, my ass

transferring some personal posts from tumblr to here

in repair

a lot of the time, i put up a tough front. i don’t want people to see my weakness. i act like i don’t care. i act like things don’t bother me. but in reality, i care TOO much. i let things get to me. i don’t forget things. i can’t let things go until it’s settled or confronted, talked about. i can’t just let things go, except it’s hard for me to confront people. so instead i don’t do anything, act like i don’t care. even when it’s eating me up inside because i care THAT much. it’s my weakness. i’m afraid of what people will say or how people will react so i don’t let people know what i think or how i feel. it’s my fault. i feel this way because i put myself in this situation, it’s my stubborn way that i won’t ever change.

sunday night

i realized i don't know what i want. I have this generic ideas for my future that everyone wants. but how am i gonna get what i want if i don't even really know what i want. my mind is full of random thoughts tonight. full of things like how i think i care too much but i don't care enough to show it. I constantly act like i don't care when in reality i really do care. i think it's something we all want. it's human nature to want to be loved or wanted by someone. but there are always those assholes that make you feel special and suddenly decide with no explanations that they don't wanna talk to you anymore. but it's funny because it's the assholes like that that we usually fall for, assholes are just kind of my thing i guess haha. we find one good guy and it's hard for us to like them like that but with the guys you should stay away from, we fall the hardest for. this is a post full of nonsense just some thoughts. really random thoughts. sucks to be sick

‎"If saying whatever's on your mind means losing the person, so be it. I'd rather lose them than myself."

the sweetest thing

"Hi this is going to be random. But sometimes when I'm sad & down especially when I think about the fact that there's no more excitement from being head over heels for someone, I think about u. & how you managed all 4 years throughout high school w/o attachment, w/o the bullshit from males & what not. And that I see that it is possible to overcome this. At first, I think I can't do this. But than I think about how happy and how strong you are, and you give me my motivation to pull-through."


message from one of my girls.

even the best fall down sometimes

i hate that sometimes i can't help but feel insecure. i know we all have our insecurities and i’m not the only one but i feel like sometimes i let it eat me alive. i’m constantly worrying and cautious of everything i do. i know i don’t show it and i like to let people think that i’m good and nothing’s wrong; smile. but inside, it’s eating me and ruling my thoughts. i don’t wanna be that whiny girl but sometimes i just need someone to talk to. i like to hide behind the smiles. it’s what i do best. truth is, yes, sometimes i feel great and yes, sometimes i just feel like shit. i constantly worry about not being good enough. sometimes i compare myself to other people and think i have nothing to offer. i get into that vulnerable state of mind and it's not good. i just feel like shit. i make myself feel like shit.

long overdue

oh how i've missed blogging.

looking back on my old posts, seems i only really blogged during my all time lows :(

well tonight's kinda just like any other night. nothing special, nothing spectacular. almost two months in to the school year, i still haven't gone home. i miss home and i can't wait to go back next week ! it'll be a nice three day weekend. can't wait to see the fam, bestfraands, & eat good home cooked food, yummm.

homesick

feel so pathetic right now. i don't even know but i'm sitting here in my room, fckin crying. are you kidding me !? it might be this weather but i just feel like shit. I need to write this essay but i can't even focus! skyped my bestfriend but not for very long because i didn't wanna start crying in front of her and called my sister but she could hear right through it. I miss home and i can't focus. WTF

Be OK

wow, well judging from my last post, I must have been really sad. well, I probably was. But now I think I'm feeling a lot better. It didn't take much time LOL. I'm finally getting used to this college life. It's hard being away from my family (even though it is only like an hour and a half away). My first weekend away wasn't too bad. My brother did come up and surprised me :D. Partied it up B-HAM style. Hopefully, I'll grow to love it even more as time goes on. For now, my goal is to just have and not give a flying fck. Reading that last post was kinda depressing haha. Why do I need someone else? LAAAWLZ , don't like to get tied down anyway.

empty bottle

Lately, I've been feeling sad. I don't know why. I just feel empty like something's missing in my life. Maybe it's just a phase from moving out and being somewhat far from home. But I think it's also wanting someone to be with. I've never really felt this way but for some reason, right now, I just kinda want to go on dates. I want someone to care about me and someone that I'll care about too. It doesn't need to be a super intense relationship.. it doesn't even have to be labeled as a relationship, as long as we both know not to date others. Truth is, I don't actually know what I want.. I'm just rambling on/venting whatever. I may be a little mentally unstable, probably not. But anyway truth is i don't think I like labeling things and having that 'commitment' feeling. I know that once I start talking to someone I won't talk to others.. this post is all over the place.. gonna stop now. this is a horrible post. maybe i'll fix  it later once i've gathered my thoughts. 

All love

"Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers all wrongs." Proverbs 10:12

bro

After years and years of fighting, my brother and I finally have a good relationship. I know it was normal that we always fought when we were younger because that's what siblings do but I hated it. I'm really glad now that we get along and we show that we care about each other more. A part of the reason why I didn't wanna leave was because I'm afraid that things will change and that when I come back things will different again. Who's to say that it won't change but I know that he's my brother and he's always gonna be my brother. We may not show it all the time but I know that we both care about each other.

change

                                                                          college life.

deadbeat

i don’t need a father in my life when i’ve got brothers that care. no matter how much we fight i know i can always count on them. the only men that ever stuck with me.

so fck you dad b/c you missed out on great kids ! & your occasional “how’re you doing?” on facebook chat doesn’t count as trying. don’t mean shit.

bittersweet

reading through my yearbook
& this is probably one of the nicest things anyone’s ever said about me ..

“First of all, I want you to know that you’re an inspiration. As you know, I love how head-strong you are. You tolerate no bullshit whatsoever. And you’re honestly one of the few who knows what they’re doing. Above all, you really know how to partaay! With all of that said.. and your banging body & sparkling eyes, I really don’t understand how you’re still single OH YEA cos you’re too good for these little high school boyz. You’re only worthy of a MAN. I’m not exaggerating at all. This is it. I cannot stress that enough. I’m so sad right now as I write this. Don’t change, Rozelle ever. I’m going to miss you. Thank you for all the memories. Tennis won’t be the same. Have fun in college! You’ve come so far.”

Don't look back

speech was spelled wrong.. LOOOOL

who woulda thought that I would be speaking in front of everyone for graduation? what an experience!

new soul

Time for a change. 2011 seems like to be big year. graduation, the big 18, college, moving out, and HARRY POTTER ending.. i feel like it's time for a change. why not go all out, well kinda all out haha. got a new hairstyle, which will take me a while to get used to. I look so different.. he said i look different.. in a good way. so i guess it's a good thing. I like it but i don't like change so this will take some time to get use to. I also got a white feather and purple highlights. i'm thinking of going back to get more feathers.

stumbled upon

 I remember a few months ago during tennis when a couple of the girls were so heartbroken that someone ‘tumblr famous’ died and i didn’t know her. I thought it was silly that they were so affected by her death b/c they didn’t even know her personally and all that.. but now i realize you don’t have to personally know someone to be inspired or affected. She made such a positive impact on people, it’s amazing. She was so young, yet, she’s known by thousands of teenagers through tumblr and her words. She’s an inspiration and she’s made an impact on people, most likely, w/o even meaning to. She’s made an impact by being her. Months later after her death, people who doesn’t even know her still make videos and keep her in their hearts. I give her respect. She’s made a difference. I may not know her personally but likewise i wanna be remembered when i die. I don’t just wanna be ‘that girl that died’. I wanna make a difference; an impact on someone, just like she did. It doesn’t have to be a difference in the world or an impact on EVERYONE but on enough people and gain enough respect from people, yah know ? I don’t want it to be just ‘oh, that girl, she died?’, i want people to know me by name and know that I was important to someone’s life, that I was a somebody in someone’s life.

http://youtu.be/s_UwHQXaoRY

nostalgia

i miss the way things used to be. as close as my family is now, i miss how close we all used to really be. taking vacations together and having a great time spending time .. not in the restaurant. i just miss how everything was before.

"Love all, trust few, and do wrong to none."

be ok

i just wanna be okay ..
lately i've been feeling down,
it's summer and i shouldn't be feeling like this , it's sad and depressing.
i feel a crappy summer coming on and this really sucks.
i feel like all i do is work and i don't even really get paid for the amount of hours i actually work.
i know this sounds like a complain but i'm really not. i love my family and i love helping out but sometimes i feel like i need a break. constantly working 10hour shifts day after day. it gets tiring. but i guess there's not really much i can do.

static waves

once again , those occasional breakdowns hit me.
WTF am i doing with my life? the feeling of being  lost and wanting to be found. random scattered thoughts. restless brain. who am i ? i constantly ask myself, what is my purpose in life. i don't know yet.
i hate this awkward stage that i'm at right now. i graduated but i'm only 17 .. though i'm turning 18 soon but i still don't think much will change. i hate this feeling of in-between. i'm old enough to do certain things but at he same time i'm not an adult ..it's the awkward stage between being a kid and being an adult. safe to say that i don't know what the fck i'm doing.

childlike wildlife

be my thrill..
youu..
i love the way you make me smile
talking to you makes it easy to forget everything
i hate the distance but you make it worth it
it's been awhile since we talked like this and things between us may have changed
but my feelings remain the same

and i wish i knew if you still feel the same way..