homesick

feel so pathetic right now. i don't even know but i'm sitting here in my room, fckin crying. are you kidding me !? it might be this weather but i just feel like shit. I need to write this essay but i can't even focus! skyped my bestfriend but not for very long because i didn't wanna start crying in front of her and called my sister but she could hear right through it. I miss home and i can't focus. WTF

Be OK

wow, well judging from my last post, I must have been really sad. well, I probably was. But now I think I'm feeling a lot better. It didn't take much time LOL. I'm finally getting used to this college life. It's hard being away from my family (even though it is only like an hour and a half away). My first weekend away wasn't too bad. My brother did come up and surprised me :D. Partied it up B-HAM style. Hopefully, I'll grow to love it even more as time goes on. For now, my goal is to just have and not give a flying fck. Reading that last post was kinda depressing haha. Why do I need someone else? LAAAWLZ , don't like to get tied down anyway.

empty bottle

Lately, I've been feeling sad. I don't know why. I just feel empty like something's missing in my life. Maybe it's just a phase from moving out and being somewhat far from home. But I think it's also wanting someone to be with. I've never really felt this way but for some reason, right now, I just kinda want to go on dates. I want someone to care about me and someone that I'll care about too. It doesn't need to be a super intense relationship.. it doesn't even have to be labeled as a relationship, as long as we both know not to date others. Truth is, I don't actually know what I want.. I'm just rambling on/venting whatever. I may be a little mentally unstable, probably not. But anyway truth is i don't think I like labeling things and having that 'commitment' feeling. I know that once I start talking to someone I won't talk to others.. this post is all over the place.. gonna stop now. this is a horrible post. maybe i'll fix  it later once i've gathered my thoughts. 

All love

"Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers all wrongs." Proverbs 10:12

bro

After years and years of fighting, my brother and I finally have a good relationship. I know it was normal that we always fought when we were younger because that's what siblings do but I hated it. I'm really glad now that we get along and we show that we care about each other more. A part of the reason why I didn't wanna leave was because I'm afraid that things will change and that when I come back things will different again. Who's to say that it won't change but I know that he's my brother and he's always gonna be my brother. We may not show it all the time but I know that we both care about each other.

change

                                                                          college life.

deadbeat

i don’t need a father in my life when i’ve got brothers that care. no matter how much we fight i know i can always count on them. the only men that ever stuck with me.

so fck you dad b/c you missed out on great kids ! & your occasional “how’re you doing?” on facebook chat doesn’t count as trying. don’t mean shit.

bittersweet

reading through my yearbook
& this is probably one of the nicest things anyone’s ever said about me ..

“First of all, I want you to know that you’re an inspiration. As you know, I love how head-strong you are. You tolerate no bullshit whatsoever. And you’re honestly one of the few who knows what they’re doing. Above all, you really know how to partaay! With all of that said.. and your banging body & sparkling eyes, I really don’t understand how you’re still single OH YEA cos you’re too good for these little high school boyz. You’re only worthy of a MAN. I’m not exaggerating at all. This is it. I cannot stress that enough. I’m so sad right now as I write this. Don’t change, Rozelle ever. I’m going to miss you. Thank you for all the memories. Tennis won’t be the same. Have fun in college! You’ve come so far.”

Don't look back

speech was spelled wrong.. LOOOOL

who woulda thought that I would be speaking in front of everyone for graduation? what an experience!

new soul

Time for a change. 2011 seems like to be big year. graduation, the big 18, college, moving out, and HARRY POTTER ending.. i feel like it's time for a change. why not go all out, well kinda all out haha. got a new hairstyle, which will take me a while to get used to. I look so different.. he said i look different.. in a good way. so i guess it's a good thing. I like it but i don't like change so this will take some time to get use to. I also got a white feather and purple highlights. i'm thinking of going back to get more feathers.

stumbled upon

 I remember a few months ago during tennis when a couple of the girls were so heartbroken that someone ‘tumblr famous’ died and i didn’t know her. I thought it was silly that they were so affected by her death b/c they didn’t even know her personally and all that.. but now i realize you don’t have to personally know someone to be inspired or affected. She made such a positive impact on people, it’s amazing. She was so young, yet, she’s known by thousands of teenagers through tumblr and her words. She’s an inspiration and she’s made an impact on people, most likely, w/o even meaning to. She’s made an impact by being her. Months later after her death, people who doesn’t even know her still make videos and keep her in their hearts. I give her respect. She’s made a difference. I may not know her personally but likewise i wanna be remembered when i die. I don’t just wanna be ‘that girl that died’. I wanna make a difference; an impact on someone, just like she did. It doesn’t have to be a difference in the world or an impact on EVERYONE but on enough people and gain enough respect from people, yah know ? I don’t want it to be just ‘oh, that girl, she died?’, i want people to know me by name and know that I was important to someone’s life, that I was a somebody in someone’s life.

http://youtu.be/s_UwHQXaoRY

nostalgia

i miss the way things used to be. as close as my family is now, i miss how close we all used to really be. taking vacations together and having a great time spending time .. not in the restaurant. i just miss how everything was before.

"Love all, trust few, and do wrong to none."

be ok

i just wanna be okay ..
lately i've been feeling down,
it's summer and i shouldn't be feeling like this , it's sad and depressing.
i feel a crappy summer coming on and this really sucks.
i feel like all i do is work and i don't even really get paid for the amount of hours i actually work.
i know this sounds like a complain but i'm really not. i love my family and i love helping out but sometimes i feel like i need a break. constantly working 10hour shifts day after day. it gets tiring. but i guess there's not really much i can do.

static waves

once again , those occasional breakdowns hit me.
WTF am i doing with my life? the feeling of being  lost and wanting to be found. random scattered thoughts. restless brain. who am i ? i constantly ask myself, what is my purpose in life. i don't know yet.
i hate this awkward stage that i'm at right now. i graduated but i'm only 17 .. though i'm turning 18 soon but i still don't think much will change. i hate this feeling of in-between. i'm old enough to do certain things but at he same time i'm not an adult ..it's the awkward stage between being a kid and being an adult. safe to say that i don't know what the fck i'm doing.

childlike wildlife

be my thrill..
youu..
i love the way you make me smile
talking to you makes it easy to forget everything
i hate the distance but you make it worth it
it's been awhile since we talked like this and things between us may have changed
but my feelings remain the same

and i wish i knew if you still feel the same way..

sweetest downfall

i hate the fact that you keep me waiting here for nothing but once we do talk, it's like i forget everything.
i hate that you can easily say those three words.. "i miss you" without showing it, and as much as i don't want to believe it, it makes me happy hearing it.
i hate the fact that you can sweet talk your way into almost anything
i hate that i think about you almost daily
i hate that i care
i hate that you don't seem to..
i absolutely hate that i feel this way about you
but i can't hate you.

heart in chains

constantly putting up a tough act and hiding behind the smile
telling people i don't really care but clearly i do.
why do i hide behind this wall that keeps my feelings locked up ?

maybe, it's to prevent others from breaking me..
i've learned through others that people don't always care
having a "significant other" and getting into a relationship is just messy
someone always puts more effort into the relationship compared to the other and that could break it

i constantly tell myself that it's a waste of time and i don't need one.
i'm right, i don't need one but maybe, just maybe, what i want is someone who actually cares enough.
someone who can prove to me that they're worth it.

i've seen it happen too much and (almost) always someone, at least one person will end up getting hurt

so prove to me you're different, prove to me you're worth it and you deserve me

imperfections

Dear Rozelle,

here's a daily mindset for you...


love your body;
your cellulite,
your athletic calves & "thunder thighs",
love your thick, uneven eyebrows,
your stretch marks,
love your big arms (kinda),
your not so flat stomach.

love your ability to make decisions using your head rather than the heart,
love your bluntness and straight to the point comments,
your unflappable personality,
love your (almost) non-existent sense of humor.

love your hard-headedness,
love your analytical mind,
your literal, explicit, and logical way of thinking.

love your dysfunctional and bruised heart,
love your obnoxiously loud laugh,
your awkwardness,
love your indecisiveness.

ETC.


love you.

love your flaws.

FLAWS are admirable.. YOUR flaws are admirable.

it’s what makes you YOU.

senior year

it all went by so fast. in 18 days i will be a high school graduate. this year has been full of fun, stress, emotions, full of changes.. whether good or bad. this year i really found out who my real friends are and who i will actually make an effort to stay in contact with after high school. it's all kinda crazy to think that it'll be over soon. excited to see what life after high school will be.

indifference

how do you know when enough is enough. people always leave and that's why it's better to be the first one to leave. leave before you're the one left. leave before someone who doesn't even care about you gets even just a little bit of a chance to hurt you. & that's why it's better to be indifferent about situations you're unsure about. make sure to never fully open up to people because that just gives them more chances of hurting you. i think people's first mistake is caring because that's how everything starts. but it's even worst when people say they care but they really don't. so you just pour your whole fcking heart out for them to stomp all over and not give a sht so with that said just don't get too attached. it's never good news. don't trust people too easily. make sure they prove to you that they are worth trusting before you trust them . make sure they prove that they're worth it. people say always give people the benefit of the doubt but that's bullsh*t. they have to earn that .

fear of losing someone you don't even have

not that we, humans, ever technically own anyone but having somewhat of a "claim" on people. i don't care what anyone says i know that we've all been afraid of losing people we don't even have. we all probably worry about that everyday. we're afraid of losing the ones we don't have because it's so easy to lose the ones we do have. it's so easy for that person to just leave, leave without even saying anything. and when you try to keep contact it's like they don't even care. how much is caring too much without being a bother.

unspoken words

still hurting from so many things. things that i shouldn't even care about anymore. why do i care when you're the one that left us. you're useless and you did nothing for our family except tear it apart. you are the source of all of our family's problems . but even though i dislike you so much, i can't lie and say i'm glad. a part of me wants that happy family picture but at the same time we wouldn't be a happy family , would we. i know i'm blessed with what's left of our family now but i still wish things were different. i hope you're happy. happy with your new ugly family and your ugly son. worthless.

the quiz

You look nice alright and I like the way you nod after everything I say like it actually means something to you.
But there’s some things you need to know about me:
I’m weak right now, real weak right now
I need proof before I dare to open this heart
so I prepared a quiz for you:
Would you freak out if I said I liked you?
Do you walk the line?
And if I’d fall, would you pick me up?
If I fall, will you pick me up?

because yea, i like you .

maybe i'm just way too in over my head. i just wanna know how you feel. it felt right that night but now it's like everything is back to normal though im glad nothing's awkward. but i just wanna know how you feel. it's hard to tell if you're just nice or if you really meant it. part of me wants to tell you but at the same time that's not really my style. i'll just wait til you do. though you might never cos it might just be me but oh well. also we have such a good friendship, i dont wanna ruin that but i really wanna know.