the little things

hate the days when you wake up and automatically you know you're gonna be a bitch today and it doesn't help when you're surrounded by a bunch of idiots. was in such a bad mood but as the day went on i guess it got better. it's the little things that really turns your mood from sad/mad/annoyed to happy or somewhat satisfied. got asked to prom and i'd say it was pretty cute. also made rice krispy treats with a jennica with nutella, mmmmhm mmm good :). then practice and relax. oh & not to mention, i totally got a 97/100 on my senior project speech in english class. 17 minutes, passing speech baby ! now only one more speech on may 13th. yikes, the big one.

you must choose your own path

last night i talked to a friend and he was sharing his opinion on college. He, himself, is in college so he's had the experience. He also shared with me what he thought I should do. It's my life and he's telling me to do what makes me happy and what i want, not everyone else's. He's so right because all my life, ive lived according to others and doing things that other people want me to do. today i woke up in the morning with the first though in my head, i'm going to a university. I quickly got up and told my mom. she didnt seem too happy at first but she is letting me. She's being supportive and i think now she knows that its what i really want to do. ALSO, i purchased my SDSU sweatshirt online, even though i'm not going there. But successful day. HAPPY EASTER!

4 months away

I’ve decided in the next two or so years after my 18th birthday, I will get the following tatts
    -“kill with kindness” right side in cursive right below my collar bone.
    -bible verse around my right foot with a pink tinted cross right above it for breast cancer
    -cherry blossom tree from my left side going up to my shoulder blades with one of the branches spelled out “live” in cursive
    -a Christian fish with a heart on my right ring finger on the inside

bittersweet.

today was a combination of the good and the bad. started the day out crappy. felt like morning in hell. of course i teared up again. three or more time this week.. sign of weakness, three too many. and he, he seemed like he didn't even care, really. tried to sound like he did, but it doesn't sound sincere, i don't think so. just need to get off my mind. anyway as the day went on it got better. got to see bro bro :) felt like it's been a while. i miss him hah, sounds so pathetic. was talking to him bout college and he offered to pay my deposit if i end up going to a university. so touching, it's a kinda  big deal for me cos he offered. after this long bittersweet day, i think i'm ready to call it a day.

What do I want?

i want this feeling to go away. i've teared up three, if not more, times this week. if you ask me, that's three too many. make it go away. just make everything go away...

"Monster are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win."

bruised.

i said i wouldn't do this but i find myself constantly living up to your expectations. constantly doing things for you, not for myself. i get so lost in pleasing everyone else that i don't know what i want anymore. i forget about the things i wanna do, neglect it, so i can do what you want me to do. every inch of me is bruised. i'm hurting inside and i can't tell you that. when i do try, it's like you don't hear me. i feel like i can only depend on myself, no one else. i work for everything i've got and i sacrifice so much more. i'm tired i just wanna go somewhere far, far, far, far away where no body knows me at all, where no one knows my name. someday , i will. i'll work damn hard for it and i will do it. i know i don't have that hard of a life but i'm so tired of keeping everything in, not having anyone to talk to . one day it's just gonna burst outta me and i'm worried for that day. i just wanna leave. i can't wait for the day i have enough money to do what i want and just leave for a bit. i need to getaway, find a hideout spot, just for a while. i need the time away.

as i come to my senses

i realize i must say goodbye to my first choice, SDSU. it makes it so much harder just because i know i got in and i was good enough. I really wanna go there and it's my first choice but being out of state, it's so much more expensive. i think i would rather be more debt free in the end than have the university experience at SDSU. as hard of a decision that was for me, i think i had to do it. even going to western.. i might not. i never thought i'd say this but i'm actually more open to going to shoreline cc. it's cheaper and i know i won't have to pay anything back. i'd still be living at home so i won't need to pay for rent and food. not that bad.. but that freedom and university experience is so much more appealing. i don't know. but is it worth it? i guess i'll still have my freedom at home b/c i can do whatever but there's still that feeling of constraint. maybe i'll go to shoreline cc or some cc near by then transfer to SDSU or UW assuming i get in. aaahh this is so hard for me. i've always wanted to go to a university..

trust is a lie

nobody ever knows anymore.

forgiveness is never easy.

"Bitterness is easy, Hatred is easy. But forgiveness, that is a tough one. Sometimes people say things they don't mean or do things they can't take back. Sometimes we do things we can't take back. We're all afraid of something. I was afraid, i was dying. But in the face of great despair, i had an epiphany........... What i have done is who i am. But what i have done is not who i will be. Its been nearly 37 million seconds 10,000 hours, 14 months................. Since i realized what i have done is not who i can be. Unburden yourself from the mistakes of the past. And when you do, your heart grows stronger, i should know. Mine was supposed to go out long time ago. But it doesn't mean that what you have done is forgotten and what you have done remembers."

accomplished

even though it took me forever to write that last essay and reflection , im glad to say that my senior project is DOOOONEEE! that piece of crap required project. though, i actually really liked my project and i learned a lot from it. i just think it's bull that our diploma depends on the passing of it . eh.
anyway it's 2am, off to sleep.. still sick !

love and other drugs

<3 i like that movie. watched it tonight with the fireplace burning and s'mores. yes, s'mores. jake gyllenhaal :) oh booy

collide

i'm sick. blah! or getting sick whatever point is i don't feel good and this sucks. it's spring break and it's been raining for about two weeks everyday, damn you washington. on top of that i really need to get my sh*t together because senior project is due in a week and that is what i will be working on all spring break. probably gonna be one of the most unexciting spring break and it's senior year, bleh. looking forward to making my college decision in about two weeks tho, western or SDSU ? still a question, i guess i just need more time to think and weigh out my pros sand cons. goodnight