childlike wildlife

be my thrill..
youu..
i love the way you make me smile
talking to you makes it easy to forget everything
i hate the distance but you make it worth it
it's been awhile since we talked like this and things between us may have changed
but my feelings remain the same

and i wish i knew if you still feel the same way..

sweetest downfall

i hate the fact that you keep me waiting here for nothing but once we do talk, it's like i forget everything.
i hate that you can easily say those three words.. "i miss you" without showing it, and as much as i don't want to believe it, it makes me happy hearing it.
i hate the fact that you can sweet talk your way into almost anything
i hate that i think about you almost daily
i hate that i care
i hate that you don't seem to..
i absolutely hate that i feel this way about you
but i can't hate you.

heart in chains

constantly putting up a tough act and hiding behind the smile
telling people i don't really care but clearly i do.
why do i hide behind this wall that keeps my feelings locked up ?

maybe, it's to prevent others from breaking me..
i've learned through others that people don't always care
having a "significant other" and getting into a relationship is just messy
someone always puts more effort into the relationship compared to the other and that could break it

i constantly tell myself that it's a waste of time and i don't need one.
i'm right, i don't need one but maybe, just maybe, what i want is someone who actually cares enough.
someone who can prove to me that they're worth it.

i've seen it happen too much and (almost) always someone, at least one person will end up getting hurt

so prove to me you're different, prove to me you're worth it and you deserve me

imperfections

Dear Rozelle,

here's a daily mindset for you...


love your body;
your cellulite,
your athletic calves & "thunder thighs",
love your thick, uneven eyebrows,
your stretch marks,
love your big arms (kinda),
your not so flat stomach.

love your ability to make decisions using your head rather than the heart,
love your bluntness and straight to the point comments,
your unflappable personality,
love your (almost) non-existent sense of humor.

love your hard-headedness,
love your analytical mind,
your literal, explicit, and logical way of thinking.

love your dysfunctional and bruised heart,
love your obnoxiously loud laugh,
your awkwardness,
love your indecisiveness.

ETC.


love you.

love your flaws.

FLAWS are admirable.. YOUR flaws are admirable.

it’s what makes you YOU.

senior year

it all went by so fast. in 18 days i will be a high school graduate. this year has been full of fun, stress, emotions, full of changes.. whether good or bad. this year i really found out who my real friends are and who i will actually make an effort to stay in contact with after high school. it's all kinda crazy to think that it'll be over soon. excited to see what life after high school will be.

indifference

how do you know when enough is enough. people always leave and that's why it's better to be the first one to leave. leave before you're the one left. leave before someone who doesn't even care about you gets even just a little bit of a chance to hurt you. & that's why it's better to be indifferent about situations you're unsure about. make sure to never fully open up to people because that just gives them more chances of hurting you. i think people's first mistake is caring because that's how everything starts. but it's even worst when people say they care but they really don't. so you just pour your whole fcking heart out for them to stomp all over and not give a sht so with that said just don't get too attached. it's never good news. don't trust people too easily. make sure they prove to you that they are worth trusting before you trust them . make sure they prove that they're worth it. people say always give people the benefit of the doubt but that's bullsh*t. they have to earn that .

fear of losing someone you don't even have

not that we, humans, ever technically own anyone but having somewhat of a "claim" on people. i don't care what anyone says i know that we've all been afraid of losing people we don't even have. we all probably worry about that everyday. we're afraid of losing the ones we don't have because it's so easy to lose the ones we do have. it's so easy for that person to just leave, leave without even saying anything. and when you try to keep contact it's like they don't even care. how much is caring too much without being a bother.

unspoken words

still hurting from so many things. things that i shouldn't even care about anymore. why do i care when you're the one that left us. you're useless and you did nothing for our family except tear it apart. you are the source of all of our family's problems . but even though i dislike you so much, i can't lie and say i'm glad. a part of me wants that happy family picture but at the same time we wouldn't be a happy family , would we. i know i'm blessed with what's left of our family now but i still wish things were different. i hope you're happy. happy with your new ugly family and your ugly son. worthless.

the quiz

You look nice alright and I like the way you nod after everything I say like it actually means something to you.
But there’s some things you need to know about me:
I’m weak right now, real weak right now
I need proof before I dare to open this heart
so I prepared a quiz for you:
Would you freak out if I said I liked you?
Do you walk the line?
And if I’d fall, would you pick me up?
If I fall, will you pick me up?

because yea, i like you .

maybe i'm just way too in over my head. i just wanna know how you feel. it felt right that night but now it's like everything is back to normal though im glad nothing's awkward. but i just wanna know how you feel. it's hard to tell if you're just nice or if you really meant it. part of me wants to tell you but at the same time that's not really my style. i'll just wait til you do. though you might never cos it might just be me but oh well. also we have such a good friendship, i dont wanna ruin that but i really wanna know.

can't steal happiness

prom was this weekend and it was surprisingly fun fun fun. i definitely  could not have asked for a better prom group and a better prom date. he was such a gentleman, daaww. im glad i went with a friend rather than some other asshole. wouldn't mind putting last night on repeat for a while. tomorrow's senior skip day, best spent with the bestfriends.

& i wish i knew if you do too..

 

but i guess it doesn't really matter cos regardless if you do or not, it doesn't stop me from missing you...

3,032 miles

i used to know you so well.. we used to know each other so well. now we’re practically strangers but somehow you’re still constantly on my mind. we used to talk till 5 in the morning now i’m lucky if we get an hour or if we’re even able to reach each other. so many things have changed and i don’t really know you .. you don’t know me at all. where did we go? where did it all go? why couldn't everything just stay the same. is it cos you're too far away? maybe it's for the best. i know that we'll always have each other, i know we'll always be friends and you'll always be there for me like you said but it's just now i know it's never gonna be more than that. you don't have to verbalize it but i don't think it'll ever be. it's just not realistic. maybe we just got way in too over our heads with the idea. or maybe i guess life just happens and things just happen.

unfinished art

always leaving me hanging and every time, i let it go. why can't you just tell me you don't care. stop messing with me. giving me mixed signals or maybe it's just me hoping for nothing, making up scenarios and excuses in my head; maybe i should just stop to care. i put 75% into making it work and you're giving me your 5%. i should really just let it go. i wish it was that easy to not care anymore...

keep breathing

finally got senior project done ! by done, i mean, DONE. ALL of it.. well hopefully.. presentations are done, just need to know if i passed, which i think i did. i guess i'll find out tomorrow in 5th period, waaah so long. so nerve-wrecking, yikes. oh well, i really hope i did fine. anyway, bittersweet weekend. no school friday but had presentations. never knew a day could be the worst day to suddenly the best day. wakin up thinking of presentations,.. on friday the 13th, it's an omen. then suddenly when it's all done, so relieving and suddenly one of the best days ! meg meg & chelly came over afterwards, chilled til neil & chris came so we could get the boutonnieres&corsages; finally got that out of the way. then jennica came over :). found a dress for chelly at the mall and then jennica kept me company for the rest of the night. nothing like hanging out and talking about the most randomest things with a good friend. to end the day with a few beers and chicken and rice :) LOL. rest of the weekend , just worked, making that cash money $. talked to my mom and told her my plans for the next week, i'd say it went pretty well. 

hear me out

i feel like no one understands me. i also thought everyone would be proud that i've made the decision to go to a university. am i being selfish ? i don't think so. you always told me do what i want and what makes me happy. &  now you're pretty much putting me down because of the decision i've made, the decision that i wanna go to western. you're making me feel bad that i'm not thinking of the family and i'm only thinking of myself. as bad as i feel right now, that's a bunch of BULLSHIT ! and you know what, you constantly telling me these things just makes me want to leave even more. you're assuming things and making up reasons of why i wanna go to western. maybe it's cos i didn't say anything or deny it but you know what , keep believing YOUR reasons, i don't care. you say you trust me, but i know you don't. saying that you trust me , you just don't trust the ones around me is like a backhanded compliment, admit it YOU DON'T TRUST ME. what makes you think i'm gonna lie and say i practice just so i can stay til. 6:45 at school, wtf am i gonna do at school ? HAH ! fck this sht. wanna go somewhere far away, far far away where no one knows my name..

the human heart

cannot be understood. it’s a mystery, so important to the body but so easily broken and often misused

one step at a time

today/night/morning i put in my deposit for western washington university. I made this decision about a week ago and i really hope im not mistaking. i also hope that everything i've done is right and i get approved for the loans and grants, yikes. i guess we'll see. anyway this day was a mixture of the bad and the good. just wish everyday could be a good day but then i guess i would never know how to deal with the bad and i'd just be ignorant and oblivious to the things, huh. well anyway, time to call it quits for the day.

the little things

hate the days when you wake up and automatically you know you're gonna be a bitch today and it doesn't help when you're surrounded by a bunch of idiots. was in such a bad mood but as the day went on i guess it got better. it's the little things that really turns your mood from sad/mad/annoyed to happy or somewhat satisfied. got asked to prom and i'd say it was pretty cute. also made rice krispy treats with a jennica with nutella, mmmmhm mmm good :). then practice and relax. oh & not to mention, i totally got a 97/100 on my senior project speech in english class. 17 minutes, passing speech baby ! now only one more speech on may 13th. yikes, the big one.

you must choose your own path

last night i talked to a friend and he was sharing his opinion on college. He, himself, is in college so he's had the experience. He also shared with me what he thought I should do. It's my life and he's telling me to do what makes me happy and what i want, not everyone else's. He's so right because all my life, ive lived according to others and doing things that other people want me to do. today i woke up in the morning with the first though in my head, i'm going to a university. I quickly got up and told my mom. she didnt seem too happy at first but she is letting me. She's being supportive and i think now she knows that its what i really want to do. ALSO, i purchased my SDSU sweatshirt online, even though i'm not going there. But successful day. HAPPY EASTER!

4 months away

I’ve decided in the next two or so years after my 18th birthday, I will get the following tatts
    -“kill with kindness” right side in cursive right below my collar bone.
    -bible verse around my right foot with a pink tinted cross right above it for breast cancer
    -cherry blossom tree from my left side going up to my shoulder blades with one of the branches spelled out “live” in cursive
    -a Christian fish with a heart on my right ring finger on the inside

bittersweet.

today was a combination of the good and the bad. started the day out crappy. felt like morning in hell. of course i teared up again. three or more time this week.. sign of weakness, three too many. and he, he seemed like he didn't even care, really. tried to sound like he did, but it doesn't sound sincere, i don't think so. just need to get off my mind. anyway as the day went on it got better. got to see bro bro :) felt like it's been a while. i miss him hah, sounds so pathetic. was talking to him bout college and he offered to pay my deposit if i end up going to a university. so touching, it's a kinda  big deal for me cos he offered. after this long bittersweet day, i think i'm ready to call it a day.

What do I want?

i want this feeling to go away. i've teared up three, if not more, times this week. if you ask me, that's three too many. make it go away. just make everything go away...

"Monster are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win."

bruised.

i said i wouldn't do this but i find myself constantly living up to your expectations. constantly doing things for you, not for myself. i get so lost in pleasing everyone else that i don't know what i want anymore. i forget about the things i wanna do, neglect it, so i can do what you want me to do. every inch of me is bruised. i'm hurting inside and i can't tell you that. when i do try, it's like you don't hear me. i feel like i can only depend on myself, no one else. i work for everything i've got and i sacrifice so much more. i'm tired i just wanna go somewhere far, far, far, far away where no body knows me at all, where no one knows my name. someday , i will. i'll work damn hard for it and i will do it. i know i don't have that hard of a life but i'm so tired of keeping everything in, not having anyone to talk to . one day it's just gonna burst outta me and i'm worried for that day. i just wanna leave. i can't wait for the day i have enough money to do what i want and just leave for a bit. i need to getaway, find a hideout spot, just for a while. i need the time away.