indifference

how do you know when enough is enough. people always leave and that's why it's better to be the first one to leave. leave before you're the one left. leave before someone who doesn't even care about you gets even just a little bit of a chance to hurt you. & that's why it's better to be indifferent about situations you're unsure about. make sure to never fully open up to people because that just gives them more chances of hurting you. i think people's first mistake is caring because that's how everything starts. but it's even worst when people say they care but they really don't. so you just pour your whole fcking heart out for them to stomp all over and not give a sht so with that said just don't get too attached. it's never good news. don't trust people too easily. make sure they prove to you that they are worth trusting before you trust them . make sure they prove that they're worth it. people say always give people the benefit of the doubt but that's bullsh*t. they have to earn that .

fear of losing someone you don't even have

not that we, humans, ever technically own anyone but having somewhat of a "claim" on people. i don't care what anyone says i know that we've all been afraid of losing people we don't even have. we all probably worry about that everyday. we're afraid of losing the ones we don't have because it's so easy to lose the ones we do have. it's so easy for that person to just leave, leave without even saying anything. and when you try to keep contact it's like they don't even care. how much is caring too much without being a bother.

unspoken words

still hurting from so many things. things that i shouldn't even care about anymore. why do i care when you're the one that left us. you're useless and you did nothing for our family except tear it apart. you are the source of all of our family's problems . but even though i dislike you so much, i can't lie and say i'm glad. a part of me wants that happy family picture but at the same time we wouldn't be a happy family , would we. i know i'm blessed with what's left of our family now but i still wish things were different. i hope you're happy. happy with your new ugly family and your ugly son. worthless.

the quiz

You look nice alright and I like the way you nod after everything I say like it actually means something to you.
But there’s some things you need to know about me:
I’m weak right now, real weak right now
I need proof before I dare to open this heart
so I prepared a quiz for you:
Would you freak out if I said I liked you?
Do you walk the line?
And if I’d fall, would you pick me up?
If I fall, will you pick me up?

because yea, i like you .

maybe i'm just way too in over my head. i just wanna know how you feel. it felt right that night but now it's like everything is back to normal though im glad nothing's awkward. but i just wanna know how you feel. it's hard to tell if you're just nice or if you really meant it. part of me wants to tell you but at the same time that's not really my style. i'll just wait til you do. though you might never cos it might just be me but oh well. also we have such a good friendship, i dont wanna ruin that but i really wanna know.

can't steal happiness

prom was this weekend and it was surprisingly fun fun fun. i definitely  could not have asked for a better prom group and a better prom date. he was such a gentleman, daaww. im glad i went with a friend rather than some other asshole. wouldn't mind putting last night on repeat for a while. tomorrow's senior skip day, best spent with the bestfriends.

& i wish i knew if you do too..

 

but i guess it doesn't really matter cos regardless if you do or not, it doesn't stop me from missing you...

3,032 miles

i used to know you so well.. we used to know each other so well. now we’re practically strangers but somehow you’re still constantly on my mind. we used to talk till 5 in the morning now i’m lucky if we get an hour or if we’re even able to reach each other. so many things have changed and i don’t really know you .. you don’t know me at all. where did we go? where did it all go? why couldn't everything just stay the same. is it cos you're too far away? maybe it's for the best. i know that we'll always have each other, i know we'll always be friends and you'll always be there for me like you said but it's just now i know it's never gonna be more than that. you don't have to verbalize it but i don't think it'll ever be. it's just not realistic. maybe we just got way in too over our heads with the idea. or maybe i guess life just happens and things just happen.

unfinished art

always leaving me hanging and every time, i let it go. why can't you just tell me you don't care. stop messing with me. giving me mixed signals or maybe it's just me hoping for nothing, making up scenarios and excuses in my head; maybe i should just stop to care. i put 75% into making it work and you're giving me your 5%. i should really just let it go. i wish it was that easy to not care anymore...

keep breathing

finally got senior project done ! by done, i mean, DONE. ALL of it.. well hopefully.. presentations are done, just need to know if i passed, which i think i did. i guess i'll find out tomorrow in 5th period, waaah so long. so nerve-wrecking, yikes. oh well, i really hope i did fine. anyway, bittersweet weekend. no school friday but had presentations. never knew a day could be the worst day to suddenly the best day. wakin up thinking of presentations,.. on friday the 13th, it's an omen. then suddenly when it's all done, so relieving and suddenly one of the best days ! meg meg & chelly came over afterwards, chilled til neil & chris came so we could get the boutonnieres&corsages; finally got that out of the way. then jennica came over :). found a dress for chelly at the mall and then jennica kept me company for the rest of the night. nothing like hanging out and talking about the most randomest things with a good friend. to end the day with a few beers and chicken and rice :) LOL. rest of the weekend , just worked, making that cash money $. talked to my mom and told her my plans for the next week, i'd say it went pretty well. 

hear me out

i feel like no one understands me. i also thought everyone would be proud that i've made the decision to go to a university. am i being selfish ? i don't think so. you always told me do what i want and what makes me happy. &  now you're pretty much putting me down because of the decision i've made, the decision that i wanna go to western. you're making me feel bad that i'm not thinking of the family and i'm only thinking of myself. as bad as i feel right now, that's a bunch of BULLSHIT ! and you know what, you constantly telling me these things just makes me want to leave even more. you're assuming things and making up reasons of why i wanna go to western. maybe it's cos i didn't say anything or deny it but you know what , keep believing YOUR reasons, i don't care. you say you trust me, but i know you don't. saying that you trust me , you just don't trust the ones around me is like a backhanded compliment, admit it YOU DON'T TRUST ME. what makes you think i'm gonna lie and say i practice just so i can stay til. 6:45 at school, wtf am i gonna do at school ? HAH ! fck this sht. wanna go somewhere far away, far far away where no one knows my name..

the human heart

cannot be understood. it’s a mystery, so important to the body but so easily broken and often misused

one step at a time

today/night/morning i put in my deposit for western washington university. I made this decision about a week ago and i really hope im not mistaking. i also hope that everything i've done is right and i get approved for the loans and grants, yikes. i guess we'll see. anyway this day was a mixture of the bad and the good. just wish everyday could be a good day but then i guess i would never know how to deal with the bad and i'd just be ignorant and oblivious to the things, huh. well anyway, time to call it quits for the day.