‎"If saying whatever's on your mind means losing the person, so be it. I'd rather lose them than myself."

the sweetest thing

"Hi this is going to be random. But sometimes when I'm sad & down especially when I think about the fact that there's no more excitement from being head over heels for someone, I think about u. & how you managed all 4 years throughout high school w/o attachment, w/o the bullshit from males & what not. And that I see that it is possible to overcome this. At first, I think I can't do this. But than I think about how happy and how strong you are, and you give me my motivation to pull-through."


message from one of my girls.

even the best fall down sometimes

i hate that sometimes i can't help but feel insecure. i know we all have our insecurities and i’m not the only one but i feel like sometimes i let it eat me alive. i’m constantly worrying and cautious of everything i do. i know i don’t show it and i like to let people think that i’m good and nothing’s wrong; smile. but inside, it’s eating me and ruling my thoughts. i don’t wanna be that whiny girl but sometimes i just need someone to talk to. i like to hide behind the smiles. it’s what i do best. truth is, yes, sometimes i feel great and yes, sometimes i just feel like shit. i constantly worry about not being good enough. sometimes i compare myself to other people and think i have nothing to offer. i get into that vulnerable state of mind and it's not good. i just feel like shit. i make myself feel like shit.

long overdue

oh how i've missed blogging.

looking back on my old posts, seems i only really blogged during my all time lows :(

well tonight's kinda just like any other night. nothing special, nothing spectacular. almost two months in to the school year, i still haven't gone home. i miss home and i can't wait to go back next week ! it'll be a nice three day weekend. can't wait to see the fam, bestfraands, & eat good home cooked food, yummm.

homesick

feel so pathetic right now. i don't even know but i'm sitting here in my room, fckin crying. are you kidding me !? it might be this weather but i just feel like shit. I need to write this essay but i can't even focus! skyped my bestfriend but not for very long because i didn't wanna start crying in front of her and called my sister but she could hear right through it. I miss home and i can't focus. WTF

Be OK

wow, well judging from my last post, I must have been really sad. well, I probably was. But now I think I'm feeling a lot better. It didn't take much time LOL. I'm finally getting used to this college life. It's hard being away from my family (even though it is only like an hour and a half away). My first weekend away wasn't too bad. My brother did come up and surprised me :D. Partied it up B-HAM style. Hopefully, I'll grow to love it even more as time goes on. For now, my goal is to just have and not give a flying fck. Reading that last post was kinda depressing haha. Why do I need someone else? LAAAWLZ , don't like to get tied down anyway.

empty bottle

Lately, I've been feeling sad. I don't know why. I just feel empty like something's missing in my life. Maybe it's just a phase from moving out and being somewhat far from home. But I think it's also wanting someone to be with. I've never really felt this way but for some reason, right now, I just kinda want to go on dates. I want someone to care about me and someone that I'll care about too. It doesn't need to be a super intense relationship.. it doesn't even have to be labeled as a relationship, as long as we both know not to date others. Truth is, I don't actually know what I want.. I'm just rambling on/venting whatever. I may be a little mentally unstable, probably not. But anyway truth is i don't think I like labeling things and having that 'commitment' feeling. I know that once I start talking to someone I won't talk to others.. this post is all over the place.. gonna stop now. this is a horrible post. maybe i'll fix  it later once i've gathered my thoughts. 

All love

"Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers all wrongs." Proverbs 10:12

bro

After years and years of fighting, my brother and I finally have a good relationship. I know it was normal that we always fought when we were younger because that's what siblings do but I hated it. I'm really glad now that we get along and we show that we care about each other more. A part of the reason why I didn't wanna leave was because I'm afraid that things will change and that when I come back things will different again. Who's to say that it won't change but I know that he's my brother and he's always gonna be my brother. We may not show it all the time but I know that we both care about each other.

change

                                                                          college life.

deadbeat

i don’t need a father in my life when i’ve got brothers that care. no matter how much we fight i know i can always count on them. the only men that ever stuck with me.

so fck you dad b/c you missed out on great kids ! & your occasional “how’re you doing?” on facebook chat doesn’t count as trying. don’t mean shit.

bittersweet

reading through my yearbook
& this is probably one of the nicest things anyone’s ever said about me ..

“First of all, I want you to know that you’re an inspiration. As you know, I love how head-strong you are. You tolerate no bullshit whatsoever. And you’re honestly one of the few who knows what they’re doing. Above all, you really know how to partaay! With all of that said.. and your banging body & sparkling eyes, I really don’t understand how you’re still single OH YEA cos you’re too good for these little high school boyz. You’re only worthy of a MAN. I’m not exaggerating at all. This is it. I cannot stress that enough. I’m so sad right now as I write this. Don’t change, Rozelle ever. I’m going to miss you. Thank you for all the memories. Tennis won’t be the same. Have fun in college! You’ve come so far.”

Don't look back

speech was spelled wrong.. LOOOOL

who woulda thought that I would be speaking in front of everyone for graduation? what an experience!

new soul

Time for a change. 2011 seems like to be big year. graduation, the big 18, college, moving out, and HARRY POTTER ending.. i feel like it's time for a change. why not go all out, well kinda all out haha. got a new hairstyle, which will take me a while to get used to. I look so different.. he said i look different.. in a good way. so i guess it's a good thing. I like it but i don't like change so this will take some time to get use to. I also got a white feather and purple highlights. i'm thinking of going back to get more feathers.

stumbled upon

 I remember a few months ago during tennis when a couple of the girls were so heartbroken that someone ‘tumblr famous’ died and i didn’t know her. I thought it was silly that they were so affected by her death b/c they didn’t even know her personally and all that.. but now i realize you don’t have to personally know someone to be inspired or affected. She made such a positive impact on people, it’s amazing. She was so young, yet, she’s known by thousands of teenagers through tumblr and her words. She’s an inspiration and she’s made an impact on people, most likely, w/o even meaning to. She’s made an impact by being her. Months later after her death, people who doesn’t even know her still make videos and keep her in their hearts. I give her respect. She’s made a difference. I may not know her personally but likewise i wanna be remembered when i die. I don’t just wanna be ‘that girl that died’. I wanna make a difference; an impact on someone, just like she did. It doesn’t have to be a difference in the world or an impact on EVERYONE but on enough people and gain enough respect from people, yah know ? I don’t want it to be just ‘oh, that girl, she died?’, i want people to know me by name and know that I was important to someone’s life, that I was a somebody in someone’s life.

http://youtu.be/s_UwHQXaoRY

nostalgia

i miss the way things used to be. as close as my family is now, i miss how close we all used to really be. taking vacations together and having a great time spending time .. not in the restaurant. i just miss how everything was before.

"Love all, trust few, and do wrong to none."

be ok

i just wanna be okay ..
lately i've been feeling down,
it's summer and i shouldn't be feeling like this , it's sad and depressing.
i feel a crappy summer coming on and this really sucks.
i feel like all i do is work and i don't even really get paid for the amount of hours i actually work.
i know this sounds like a complain but i'm really not. i love my family and i love helping out but sometimes i feel like i need a break. constantly working 10hour shifts day after day. it gets tiring. but i guess there's not really much i can do.

static waves

once again , those occasional breakdowns hit me.
WTF am i doing with my life? the feeling of being  lost and wanting to be found. random scattered thoughts. restless brain. who am i ? i constantly ask myself, what is my purpose in life. i don't know yet.
i hate this awkward stage that i'm at right now. i graduated but i'm only 17 .. though i'm turning 18 soon but i still don't think much will change. i hate this feeling of in-between. i'm old enough to do certain things but at he same time i'm not an adult ..it's the awkward stage between being a kid and being an adult. safe to say that i don't know what the fck i'm doing.

childlike wildlife

be my thrill..
youu..
i love the way you make me smile
talking to you makes it easy to forget everything
i hate the distance but you make it worth it
it's been awhile since we talked like this and things between us may have changed
but my feelings remain the same

and i wish i knew if you still feel the same way..

sweetest downfall

i hate the fact that you keep me waiting here for nothing but once we do talk, it's like i forget everything.
i hate that you can easily say those three words.. "i miss you" without showing it, and as much as i don't want to believe it, it makes me happy hearing it.
i hate the fact that you can sweet talk your way into almost anything
i hate that i think about you almost daily
i hate that i care
i hate that you don't seem to..
i absolutely hate that i feel this way about you
but i can't hate you.

heart in chains

constantly putting up a tough act and hiding behind the smile
telling people i don't really care but clearly i do.
why do i hide behind this wall that keeps my feelings locked up ?

maybe, it's to prevent others from breaking me..
i've learned through others that people don't always care
having a "significant other" and getting into a relationship is just messy
someone always puts more effort into the relationship compared to the other and that could break it

i constantly tell myself that it's a waste of time and i don't need one.
i'm right, i don't need one but maybe, just maybe, what i want is someone who actually cares enough.
someone who can prove to me that they're worth it.

i've seen it happen too much and (almost) always someone, at least one person will end up getting hurt

so prove to me you're different, prove to me you're worth it and you deserve me

imperfections

Dear Rozelle,

here's a daily mindset for you...


love your body;
your cellulite,
your athletic calves & "thunder thighs",
love your thick, uneven eyebrows,
your stretch marks,
love your big arms (kinda),
your not so flat stomach.

love your ability to make decisions using your head rather than the heart,
love your bluntness and straight to the point comments,
your unflappable personality,
love your (almost) non-existent sense of humor.

love your hard-headedness,
love your analytical mind,
your literal, explicit, and logical way of thinking.

love your dysfunctional and bruised heart,
love your obnoxiously loud laugh,
your awkwardness,
love your indecisiveness.

ETC.


love you.

love your flaws.

FLAWS are admirable.. YOUR flaws are admirable.

it’s what makes you YOU.

senior year

it all went by so fast. in 18 days i will be a high school graduate. this year has been full of fun, stress, emotions, full of changes.. whether good or bad. this year i really found out who my real friends are and who i will actually make an effort to stay in contact with after high school. it's all kinda crazy to think that it'll be over soon. excited to see what life after high school will be.

indifference

how do you know when enough is enough. people always leave and that's why it's better to be the first one to leave. leave before you're the one left. leave before someone who doesn't even care about you gets even just a little bit of a chance to hurt you. & that's why it's better to be indifferent about situations you're unsure about. make sure to never fully open up to people because that just gives them more chances of hurting you. i think people's first mistake is caring because that's how everything starts. but it's even worst when people say they care but they really don't. so you just pour your whole fcking heart out for them to stomp all over and not give a sht so with that said just don't get too attached. it's never good news. don't trust people too easily. make sure they prove to you that they are worth trusting before you trust them . make sure they prove that they're worth it. people say always give people the benefit of the doubt but that's bullsh*t. they have to earn that .

fear of losing someone you don't even have

not that we, humans, ever technically own anyone but having somewhat of a "claim" on people. i don't care what anyone says i know that we've all been afraid of losing people we don't even have. we all probably worry about that everyday. we're afraid of losing the ones we don't have because it's so easy to lose the ones we do have. it's so easy for that person to just leave, leave without even saying anything. and when you try to keep contact it's like they don't even care. how much is caring too much without being a bother.

unspoken words

still hurting from so many things. things that i shouldn't even care about anymore. why do i care when you're the one that left us. you're useless and you did nothing for our family except tear it apart. you are the source of all of our family's problems . but even though i dislike you so much, i can't lie and say i'm glad. a part of me wants that happy family picture but at the same time we wouldn't be a happy family , would we. i know i'm blessed with what's left of our family now but i still wish things were different. i hope you're happy. happy with your new ugly family and your ugly son. worthless.

the quiz

You look nice alright and I like the way you nod after everything I say like it actually means something to you.
But there’s some things you need to know about me:
I’m weak right now, real weak right now
I need proof before I dare to open this heart
so I prepared a quiz for you:
Would you freak out if I said I liked you?
Do you walk the line?
And if I’d fall, would you pick me up?
If I fall, will you pick me up?

because yea, i like you .

maybe i'm just way too in over my head. i just wanna know how you feel. it felt right that night but now it's like everything is back to normal though im glad nothing's awkward. but i just wanna know how you feel. it's hard to tell if you're just nice or if you really meant it. part of me wants to tell you but at the same time that's not really my style. i'll just wait til you do. though you might never cos it might just be me but oh well. also we have such a good friendship, i dont wanna ruin that but i really wanna know.

can't steal happiness

prom was this weekend and it was surprisingly fun fun fun. i definitely  could not have asked for a better prom group and a better prom date. he was such a gentleman, daaww. im glad i went with a friend rather than some other asshole. wouldn't mind putting last night on repeat for a while. tomorrow's senior skip day, best spent with the bestfriends.

& i wish i knew if you do too..

 

but i guess it doesn't really matter cos regardless if you do or not, it doesn't stop me from missing you...

3,032 miles

i used to know you so well.. we used to know each other so well. now we’re practically strangers but somehow you’re still constantly on my mind. we used to talk till 5 in the morning now i’m lucky if we get an hour or if we’re even able to reach each other. so many things have changed and i don’t really know you .. you don’t know me at all. where did we go? where did it all go? why couldn't everything just stay the same. is it cos you're too far away? maybe it's for the best. i know that we'll always have each other, i know we'll always be friends and you'll always be there for me like you said but it's just now i know it's never gonna be more than that. you don't have to verbalize it but i don't think it'll ever be. it's just not realistic. maybe we just got way in too over our heads with the idea. or maybe i guess life just happens and things just happen.

unfinished art

always leaving me hanging and every time, i let it go. why can't you just tell me you don't care. stop messing with me. giving me mixed signals or maybe it's just me hoping for nothing, making up scenarios and excuses in my head; maybe i should just stop to care. i put 75% into making it work and you're giving me your 5%. i should really just let it go. i wish it was that easy to not care anymore...

keep breathing

finally got senior project done ! by done, i mean, DONE. ALL of it.. well hopefully.. presentations are done, just need to know if i passed, which i think i did. i guess i'll find out tomorrow in 5th period, waaah so long. so nerve-wrecking, yikes. oh well, i really hope i did fine. anyway, bittersweet weekend. no school friday but had presentations. never knew a day could be the worst day to suddenly the best day. wakin up thinking of presentations,.. on friday the 13th, it's an omen. then suddenly when it's all done, so relieving and suddenly one of the best days ! meg meg & chelly came over afterwards, chilled til neil & chris came so we could get the boutonnieres&corsages; finally got that out of the way. then jennica came over :). found a dress for chelly at the mall and then jennica kept me company for the rest of the night. nothing like hanging out and talking about the most randomest things with a good friend. to end the day with a few beers and chicken and rice :) LOL. rest of the weekend , just worked, making that cash money $. talked to my mom and told her my plans for the next week, i'd say it went pretty well. 

hear me out

i feel like no one understands me. i also thought everyone would be proud that i've made the decision to go to a university. am i being selfish ? i don't think so. you always told me do what i want and what makes me happy. &  now you're pretty much putting me down because of the decision i've made, the decision that i wanna go to western. you're making me feel bad that i'm not thinking of the family and i'm only thinking of myself. as bad as i feel right now, that's a bunch of BULLSHIT ! and you know what, you constantly telling me these things just makes me want to leave even more. you're assuming things and making up reasons of why i wanna go to western. maybe it's cos i didn't say anything or deny it but you know what , keep believing YOUR reasons, i don't care. you say you trust me, but i know you don't. saying that you trust me , you just don't trust the ones around me is like a backhanded compliment, admit it YOU DON'T TRUST ME. what makes you think i'm gonna lie and say i practice just so i can stay til. 6:45 at school, wtf am i gonna do at school ? HAH ! fck this sht. wanna go somewhere far away, far far away where no one knows my name..

the human heart

cannot be understood. it’s a mystery, so important to the body but so easily broken and often misused

one step at a time

today/night/morning i put in my deposit for western washington university. I made this decision about a week ago and i really hope im not mistaking. i also hope that everything i've done is right and i get approved for the loans and grants, yikes. i guess we'll see. anyway this day was a mixture of the bad and the good. just wish everyday could be a good day but then i guess i would never know how to deal with the bad and i'd just be ignorant and oblivious to the things, huh. well anyway, time to call it quits for the day.

the little things

hate the days when you wake up and automatically you know you're gonna be a bitch today and it doesn't help when you're surrounded by a bunch of idiots. was in such a bad mood but as the day went on i guess it got better. it's the little things that really turns your mood from sad/mad/annoyed to happy or somewhat satisfied. got asked to prom and i'd say it was pretty cute. also made rice krispy treats with a jennica with nutella, mmmmhm mmm good :). then practice and relax. oh & not to mention, i totally got a 97/100 on my senior project speech in english class. 17 minutes, passing speech baby ! now only one more speech on may 13th. yikes, the big one.

you must choose your own path

last night i talked to a friend and he was sharing his opinion on college. He, himself, is in college so he's had the experience. He also shared with me what he thought I should do. It's my life and he's telling me to do what makes me happy and what i want, not everyone else's. He's so right because all my life, ive lived according to others and doing things that other people want me to do. today i woke up in the morning with the first though in my head, i'm going to a university. I quickly got up and told my mom. she didnt seem too happy at first but she is letting me. She's being supportive and i think now she knows that its what i really want to do. ALSO, i purchased my SDSU sweatshirt online, even though i'm not going there. But successful day. HAPPY EASTER!

4 months away

I’ve decided in the next two or so years after my 18th birthday, I will get the following tatts
    -“kill with kindness” right side in cursive right below my collar bone.
    -bible verse around my right foot with a pink tinted cross right above it for breast cancer
    -cherry blossom tree from my left side going up to my shoulder blades with one of the branches spelled out “live” in cursive
    -a Christian fish with a heart on my right ring finger on the inside

bittersweet.

today was a combination of the good and the bad. started the day out crappy. felt like morning in hell. of course i teared up again. three or more time this week.. sign of weakness, three too many. and he, he seemed like he didn't even care, really. tried to sound like he did, but it doesn't sound sincere, i don't think so. just need to get off my mind. anyway as the day went on it got better. got to see bro bro :) felt like it's been a while. i miss him hah, sounds so pathetic. was talking to him bout college and he offered to pay my deposit if i end up going to a university. so touching, it's a kinda  big deal for me cos he offered. after this long bittersweet day, i think i'm ready to call it a day.

What do I want?

i want this feeling to go away. i've teared up three, if not more, times this week. if you ask me, that's three too many. make it go away. just make everything go away...

"Monster are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win."

bruised.

i said i wouldn't do this but i find myself constantly living up to your expectations. constantly doing things for you, not for myself. i get so lost in pleasing everyone else that i don't know what i want anymore. i forget about the things i wanna do, neglect it, so i can do what you want me to do. every inch of me is bruised. i'm hurting inside and i can't tell you that. when i do try, it's like you don't hear me. i feel like i can only depend on myself, no one else. i work for everything i've got and i sacrifice so much more. i'm tired i just wanna go somewhere far, far, far, far away where no body knows me at all, where no one knows my name. someday , i will. i'll work damn hard for it and i will do it. i know i don't have that hard of a life but i'm so tired of keeping everything in, not having anyone to talk to . one day it's just gonna burst outta me and i'm worried for that day. i just wanna leave. i can't wait for the day i have enough money to do what i want and just leave for a bit. i need to getaway, find a hideout spot, just for a while. i need the time away.

as i come to my senses

i realize i must say goodbye to my first choice, SDSU. it makes it so much harder just because i know i got in and i was good enough. I really wanna go there and it's my first choice but being out of state, it's so much more expensive. i think i would rather be more debt free in the end than have the university experience at SDSU. as hard of a decision that was for me, i think i had to do it. even going to western.. i might not. i never thought i'd say this but i'm actually more open to going to shoreline cc. it's cheaper and i know i won't have to pay anything back. i'd still be living at home so i won't need to pay for rent and food. not that bad.. but that freedom and university experience is so much more appealing. i don't know. but is it worth it? i guess i'll still have my freedom at home b/c i can do whatever but there's still that feeling of constraint. maybe i'll go to shoreline cc or some cc near by then transfer to SDSU or UW assuming i get in. aaahh this is so hard for me. i've always wanted to go to a university..

trust is a lie

nobody ever knows anymore.

forgiveness is never easy.

"Bitterness is easy, Hatred is easy. But forgiveness, that is a tough one. Sometimes people say things they don't mean or do things they can't take back. Sometimes we do things we can't take back. We're all afraid of something. I was afraid, i was dying. But in the face of great despair, i had an epiphany........... What i have done is who i am. But what i have done is not who i will be. Its been nearly 37 million seconds 10,000 hours, 14 months................. Since i realized what i have done is not who i can be. Unburden yourself from the mistakes of the past. And when you do, your heart grows stronger, i should know. Mine was supposed to go out long time ago. But it doesn't mean that what you have done is forgotten and what you have done remembers."

accomplished

even though it took me forever to write that last essay and reflection , im glad to say that my senior project is DOOOONEEE! that piece of crap required project. though, i actually really liked my project and i learned a lot from it. i just think it's bull that our diploma depends on the passing of it . eh.
anyway it's 2am, off to sleep.. still sick !

love and other drugs

<3 i like that movie. watched it tonight with the fireplace burning and s'mores. yes, s'mores. jake gyllenhaal :) oh booy

collide

i'm sick. blah! or getting sick whatever point is i don't feel good and this sucks. it's spring break and it's been raining for about two weeks everyday, damn you washington. on top of that i really need to get my sh*t together because senior project is due in a week and that is what i will be working on all spring break. probably gonna be one of the most unexciting spring break and it's senior year, bleh. looking forward to making my college decision in about two weeks tho, western or SDSU ? still a question, i guess i just need more time to think and weigh out my pros sand cons. goodnight

loud nonsense.

you tell me things and i believe it. all the things we used to talk about. it was all nonsense but oh hey i like you. im falling down , where are you? let me know before i fall even further. it was all loud nonsense but i still like you, you're out of reach..

chasing pavements

you always say the right things, you tell me all the things i want to hear but are you lying? i really hope you're not but a part of me thinks you are. wish you'd just tell me. here we go again and you get me thinking. last time i believed you when you said you care and if you were to say it again this time would i believe you ? i think i would but please don't play with me. don't say things you don't mean, it's the worst thing you can do to me. you make it so easy for me to let things go but don't take advantage of that.

on the other side

had two short presentations today at school. 'd say both were a fail but you know whatever. 13ishh days until senior project portfolios are due, yikees. somebody help, this will be the death of me. won our first match today tie breaker 8-6 first set and 6-2 second set. kinda relieving to finally win a match after a few matches. sad to say we still lost as a team but on the bright side we're the only ones that won a match.
random thought: love the way you lie is on the radio and every time it's on the radio i think to myself now why the heck do you want someone to lie to you !? Are you an idiot !?! must be.. smh

drop dead blues

hit rock bottom. somebody pleeaase just kill me meeeoowww. all these things going on. stress overload, not emotionally, physically, and mentally stable enough for this. too much work and not enough time to finish. today i found myself breaking down a few times throughout the day. what is wrong with !? wtf, i need to get my shit together. but the thing is i'm sick, sick and tired of EVERYTHING! all this shit, day after day.. same shit different day. senior project i really hate you. i know i should just get over it cos i can't do anything about it but really? why must one stupid project that drags out senior year be a determining factor on if a student should graduate high school or not ? what about the other 3 years prior to senior year.. fcuk my school for taking senior projects so seriously. more or less, i'm tired of working every weekend. shit's getting old. the days i have off from school when i can actually sleep in, do hw, maybe even finish my senior project.. HAH i can't b/c i have to work.. bull shit. school is so important huh? i do the same thing week after day after day, week after week and hopefully not next year tho. i wanna get out of here. may be broke but won't be here. i wanna live on campus, i know i'll still be going to school but i'll be having fun unlike here. . well that's enough of that.

expectations

 

constantly feeling chained. we live in a world full of expectations. even though we don't want to live up to others expectations or society's expectations, we live our lives trying to w/o even knowing it.  when are we gonna stop living up to their expectations and live up to ours? isn't it better to not have expectations anway. by having expectations we set ourselves up for misery, failure, and heartbreak. just let life take its course and whatever happens happens......

yea much easier said than done..

the human world.. it's a mess

literally and figuratively speaking. on a side note, with Libya being bombed by us and other revolts around the world. no to mention the natural disasters in Japan. anyway
above all else, it's a mess because of the humans. or at least i think so. we constantly do things to make the world a much harder place to live on. we over analyzed and over complicate things. that's what humans do. and in the end we all still wonder.. why do we?

"you sometimes think you wanna disappear but all you really want is to be found"

please you not me

I wanna do a lot of things I'm not able to. I'm tired of people telling me what to do but somehow I still let them tell me what to do. It's the fear. I'm a safe kinda gal and I don't like to take risks when it comes to this kinda stuff. I listen to what people tell me to do even if I don't want to and I'm damn good at hiding the fact that I don't wanna do it. When it comes to family, I'd break  my bones to do anything for them, whatever it is they want me to do. But that makes me feel like I hide so much of myself and who I am from them. No one in this world really knows me, hell i don't even know me. People only know what I choose to show them. I like to hide behind my smiles and laughter. I smile when I'm sad, I laugh when I'm happy. I wish I could close my eyes, open them and everything is okay, or better than now. Way too stress with everything I gotta do, school, college, expenses.. I'm 17 the only thing I should be worrying about is school, right ? eh whatever.. soon I'll get out, after high school, everything will be slower.. at least I won't have to stress bout school..

semi-charmed life

The life I live. Love the life I live but I wish there were some things that I could change. I'm blessed with the family God has given me but sometimes I wish.. just wish that they were my birth parents or at least had my birth parents. Never had a problem not fitting in but always felt like I didn't belong..
This is bad but I do, I hate my parents for putting me and brothers through this. But I guess I wouldn't be where I'm at now had it not happened, huh. 10 years later and I'm still bitter about.. kinda getting sick of being bitter about it but there's nothing else I can do.. at least I'm really good at hiding it though... I guess

far away

I wanna go somewhere far far away where no one knows who i am. I've probably blogged about this before but i really do just wanna go, run away somewhere far.

success

today for some reason felt like a really successful day. started the day with making a PB&J sandwich.. already off to a good start AND i didn't have school , whoop whoop. finished the campus visit for my senior project with 3 of the coolest people on planet earth and now i just have to write my college research paper.. which i should be doing now , oh well. tennis match was canceled which i was kinda glad about. feeling lazy and plus it was waaaay too cold. i was wearing 3 layers of pants, shirt, sweatshirt and gloves and i was still cold.. damn you washington weather. ended up hanging out with the bestfriend meg meg the rest of the day. and now just chillin on the bed, maybe gonna go to sleep or write that essay.

the remedy

I won't worry my life away.
though it's easier said than done, i'll really try. why worry anyway, right? just let life take its course and see where it leads you. not saying made stupid decisions and just hope that everything will be okay but instead don't worry about the things you have no control over. I think that's where I struggle. I am constantly worried about something. I can't have fun because of fear or paranoia. I'm constantly worried. I need to learn not be and live. i mean live not just exist. 

little romance

can i have this chance to be your little romance?

today was a good day

as stressful as it was, it turned out to be a good day. i turned in my senior project portfolio for a 2nd check up. i also talked to the senior project coordinator and my counselor and got the whole job shadow/event jazz done. had a mighty dinner made for champs nom nom nom. the end

so yeah, i think i like you.

Realization.

In leadership, class is kind of a joke. Regret taking it a little bit . Kind of a waste of an elective, shoulda taken law and justice . Year is more than half way over and I just realized this ! Wasting my time sitting here . Half the people in this class is a joke too. Same people do the same things while others sit around , it's getting tiring . Not to mention I think the teacher picks faves. Can't wait to go to college

ignorance is bliss

i wish you never told me.. but i';m glad you told me ? i'm so confusing, i guess. i just don't understand how we spent so much time talking and suddenly it's done, left me hanging, no reason, no excuses, no explanations. just suddenly don't hear from you. i start to think i'm okay with it and everything that just happened, i even started liking someone else.... then suddenly you send a text out of nowhere with an apology, and i'm back and we're  where we were before. we talk on the phone and you explain everything and suddenly i'm okay with it. it's you again. yea, i like you a lot...

overwhelm.

ahhh so stressed. everything is happening so fast ! senior year is ending and i'm barely done with my senior project. it's all so oeverwhelming, freaking me out, what if i don't finish it.. yikes! still undecided on the college i wanna go to, SDSU or Western? such big decisions to make. days are getting busier and busier and i wish i had more time. tennis is taking up most of my time and leaves me with pretty much nothing. need to get this done.

"Im falling in love but it's falling apart. I need to find the way back to the start. Back when we were in love. Oh when things were better. Let me into your arms."

Lonely.

Two weeks ago, bro bro moved Out and I haven't seen him in awhile.not like we were incredibly close but now that he moved it's so lonely around the house. Mind you he's still only likebten minutes away but still. I never thought I'd miss him but I do

I'd hate to go off on someone on valentines day but screw you, you don't know me and you sure as hell don't have the right to call me stupid.

Expectation is the root of heartache.

Yet we all set high expectations.

Show your weakness. Let your tears fall when you're blue.

I know what it's like to build a wall. I know
what it's like to be alone. I know
what it's like to need someone.

Dreaming with a broken heart.

no it don't breakeven.

I hate the phone but I wish you'd call..