loud nonsense.

you tell me things and i believe it. all the things we used to talk about. it was all nonsense but oh hey i like you. im falling down , where are you? let me know before i fall even further. it was all loud nonsense but i still like you, you're out of reach..

chasing pavements

you always say the right things, you tell me all the things i want to hear but are you lying? i really hope you're not but a part of me thinks you are. wish you'd just tell me. here we go again and you get me thinking. last time i believed you when you said you care and if you were to say it again this time would i believe you ? i think i would but please don't play with me. don't say things you don't mean, it's the worst thing you can do to me. you make it so easy for me to let things go but don't take advantage of that.

on the other side

had two short presentations today at school. 'd say both were a fail but you know whatever. 13ishh days until senior project portfolios are due, yikees. somebody help, this will be the death of me. won our first match today tie breaker 8-6 first set and 6-2 second set. kinda relieving to finally win a match after a few matches. sad to say we still lost as a team but on the bright side we're the only ones that won a match.
random thought: love the way you lie is on the radio and every time it's on the radio i think to myself now why the heck do you want someone to lie to you !? Are you an idiot !?! must be.. smh

drop dead blues

hit rock bottom. somebody pleeaase just kill me meeeoowww. all these things going on. stress overload, not emotionally, physically, and mentally stable enough for this. too much work and not enough time to finish. today i found myself breaking down a few times throughout the day. what is wrong with !? wtf, i need to get my shit together. but the thing is i'm sick, sick and tired of EVERYTHING! all this shit, day after day.. same shit different day. senior project i really hate you. i know i should just get over it cos i can't do anything about it but really? why must one stupid project that drags out senior year be a determining factor on if a student should graduate high school or not ? what about the other 3 years prior to senior year.. fcuk my school for taking senior projects so seriously. more or less, i'm tired of working every weekend. shit's getting old. the days i have off from school when i can actually sleep in, do hw, maybe even finish my senior project.. HAH i can't b/c i have to work.. bull shit. school is so important huh? i do the same thing week after day after day, week after week and hopefully not next year tho. i wanna get out of here. may be broke but won't be here. i wanna live on campus, i know i'll still be going to school but i'll be having fun unlike here. . well that's enough of that.

expectations

 

constantly feeling chained. we live in a world full of expectations. even though we don't want to live up to others expectations or society's expectations, we live our lives trying to w/o even knowing it.  when are we gonna stop living up to their expectations and live up to ours? isn't it better to not have expectations anway. by having expectations we set ourselves up for misery, failure, and heartbreak. just let life take its course and whatever happens happens......

yea much easier said than done..

the human world.. it's a mess

literally and figuratively speaking. on a side note, with Libya being bombed by us and other revolts around the world. no to mention the natural disasters in Japan. anyway
above all else, it's a mess because of the humans. or at least i think so. we constantly do things to make the world a much harder place to live on. we over analyzed and over complicate things. that's what humans do. and in the end we all still wonder.. why do we?

"you sometimes think you wanna disappear but all you really want is to be found"

please you not me

I wanna do a lot of things I'm not able to. I'm tired of people telling me what to do but somehow I still let them tell me what to do. It's the fear. I'm a safe kinda gal and I don't like to take risks when it comes to this kinda stuff. I listen to what people tell me to do even if I don't want to and I'm damn good at hiding the fact that I don't wanna do it. When it comes to family, I'd break  my bones to do anything for them, whatever it is they want me to do. But that makes me feel like I hide so much of myself and who I am from them. No one in this world really knows me, hell i don't even know me. People only know what I choose to show them. I like to hide behind my smiles and laughter. I smile when I'm sad, I laugh when I'm happy. I wish I could close my eyes, open them and everything is okay, or better than now. Way too stress with everything I gotta do, school, college, expenses.. I'm 17 the only thing I should be worrying about is school, right ? eh whatever.. soon I'll get out, after high school, everything will be slower.. at least I won't have to stress bout school..

semi-charmed life

The life I live. Love the life I live but I wish there were some things that I could change. I'm blessed with the family God has given me but sometimes I wish.. just wish that they were my birth parents or at least had my birth parents. Never had a problem not fitting in but always felt like I didn't belong..
This is bad but I do, I hate my parents for putting me and brothers through this. But I guess I wouldn't be where I'm at now had it not happened, huh. 10 years later and I'm still bitter about.. kinda getting sick of being bitter about it but there's nothing else I can do.. at least I'm really good at hiding it though... I guess

far away

I wanna go somewhere far far away where no one knows who i am. I've probably blogged about this before but i really do just wanna go, run away somewhere far.

success

today for some reason felt like a really successful day. started the day with making a PB&J sandwich.. already off to a good start AND i didn't have school , whoop whoop. finished the campus visit for my senior project with 3 of the coolest people on planet earth and now i just have to write my college research paper.. which i should be doing now , oh well. tennis match was canceled which i was kinda glad about. feeling lazy and plus it was waaaay too cold. i was wearing 3 layers of pants, shirt, sweatshirt and gloves and i was still cold.. damn you washington weather. ended up hanging out with the bestfriend meg meg the rest of the day. and now just chillin on the bed, maybe gonna go to sleep or write that essay.

the remedy

I won't worry my life away.
though it's easier said than done, i'll really try. why worry anyway, right? just let life take its course and see where it leads you. not saying made stupid decisions and just hope that everything will be okay but instead don't worry about the things you have no control over. I think that's where I struggle. I am constantly worried about something. I can't have fun because of fear or paranoia. I'm constantly worried. I need to learn not be and live. i mean live not just exist. 

little romance

can i have this chance to be your little romance?

today was a good day

as stressful as it was, it turned out to be a good day. i turned in my senior project portfolio for a 2nd check up. i also talked to the senior project coordinator and my counselor and got the whole job shadow/event jazz done. had a mighty dinner made for champs nom nom nom. the end

so yeah, i think i like you.

Realization.

In leadership, class is kind of a joke. Regret taking it a little bit . Kind of a waste of an elective, shoulda taken law and justice . Year is more than half way over and I just realized this ! Wasting my time sitting here . Half the people in this class is a joke too. Same people do the same things while others sit around , it's getting tiring . Not to mention I think the teacher picks faves. Can't wait to go to college

ignorance is bliss

i wish you never told me.. but i';m glad you told me ? i'm so confusing, i guess. i just don't understand how we spent so much time talking and suddenly it's done, left me hanging, no reason, no excuses, no explanations. just suddenly don't hear from you. i start to think i'm okay with it and everything that just happened, i even started liking someone else.... then suddenly you send a text out of nowhere with an apology, and i'm back and we're  where we were before. we talk on the phone and you explain everything and suddenly i'm okay with it. it's you again. yea, i like you a lot...

overwhelm.

ahhh so stressed. everything is happening so fast ! senior year is ending and i'm barely done with my senior project. it's all so oeverwhelming, freaking me out, what if i don't finish it.. yikes! still undecided on the college i wanna go to, SDSU or Western? such big decisions to make. days are getting busier and busier and i wish i had more time. tennis is taking up most of my time and leaves me with pretty much nothing. need to get this done.